Director: Peter Maris
Writer: Nancy Newbauer
From: Cult Cinema
In the environmentally-devastated post-apocalyptic Earth of 1999, a new group of aliens arrives with plans to colonize the planet.Arriving at your local Blockbuster the same year as Independence Day comes the mockbuster Alien Species. At least, I think it’s trying to rip off Independence Day. Species itself was 1995 and this doesn’t seem to be aping that movie much. All this, though, is a delaying tactic to spare me from having to discuss this cat turd in a candy wrapper generously called “a film.”
We open with an extended sequence of cheap 90’s CGI which, granted, made me nostalgic for the truly “bless their heart” worthy moments among backyard filmmakers. “Cut a movie on your PC and score it with SoundBlaster16!” This, though, isn’t the work of people eagerly angling to make a film by any means necessary. This is much worse.
Over the CGI we get the story of the Earth as it is now: In the far-off future of 1999 (three years after this movie was released), a “mighty armada will dominate the Earth” leading to massive environmental devastation. Don’t expect to see any of that or any lingering effects of the armada, by the way. That’s just backstory. To nothing.
In a basement laboratory that turns out to not be in a basement, two scientists are tracking a bootlegged signal from NASA satellites. Their boss, the professor, is off on vacation and so unreachable when they realize they’re seeing evidence of UFOs approaching Earth. When they calculate the rate of speed and the broadcast delay, they realize the aliens are arriving RIGHT NOW! But without the energy implied by all caps or an exclamation point.
Several abduction sequences of no consequence later, we cut to a small town Sheriff's office where the biggest name in the movie, Charles Napier, is making everyone wonder why Bruce Campbell isn’t playing his role. He’s the Sheriff who’s idiot brother-in-law is tasked with transporting two prisoners to county. The prisoners and the two cops escorting them get in the “police van” (bread delivery truck) and leave. Charles Napier stays in town, starts seeing evidence of the invasion, shouts at the media, and gently vanishes from the film to cash his paycheck.
Thus we arrive at the central story: the police truck gets waved down by a trio that have had an accident—the professor, his granddaughter, and his assistant. The professor is injured and the cops, after pointing their guns at trio, take them into the police van. Aliens blow them off the road and the entire group runs to take shelter in nearby caves.
The caves, of course, turn out to be an underground base for the aliens. They’ve been here for a while, but the government didn’t listen to the professor and his warnings. Inevitably, everyone dies except the assistant, the granddaughter, and one of the prisoners who wasn’t actually bad. The trio set off an explosion at the heart of the base, escape with a bit of alien tech, and that should be the end of the movie.
But it’s not. The nerd from the basement in the first sequence, somehow, comes across them in his car and starts explaining about the invasion. They realize the aliens are following them because of the tech they stole and, somehow, realize it’s the secret to disabling the ships’ shields. The criminal pulls a bazooka (?!) from the car, the nerd uses the alien tech to hack into the ship’s systems, and the criminal shoots it with the bazooka. The invading force flees, but the criminal says they’ll be back with bigger weapons since they now know we can fight back. DUN DUN! THE END!
God, this is remarkably stupid. I mean, everything I watch from these sets is bad, but this is Best of the Worst, maybe even Wheel of the Worst fodder. Everything looks like outtakes from a SegaCD game. I, in a very real way, don’t know how to talk about it.
Everything is terrible. The acting is bad, the story makes no sense, the effects are garbage, and it’s dull. It’s thoroughly dull throughout. The movie made me want to learn how to make gifs because even the level of greenscreen using during the driving sequences rivals Toonces, the Driving Cat, but I don’t know that a gif could communicate it. Just the unending cascades of awfulness in this film.
I mean, to focus on just one element, it has that intro talking about the invading armada, but everything happens in the world as we know it without any reaction as though aliens have already invaded. Except, in the end, the characters make reference to the previous invasion of the armada. And then there’s a bazooka? I just… My brain hurts thinking about this.
I don’t want to recommend it, but I almost feel like I have to. It’s such a garbage fire that it really is a “seeing is believing” moment. I mean, it feels like a porno with all the sex scenes cut out, but with worse acting. This may be the first movie I’ve watched in this project that has legitimately left me agog. The Patriot is a colossal mess, but at least it’s ridiculous. This… I’m still left asking myself, “Did I really just watch that?”
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