244.
Jocks (1986) 
Director: Steven Carver
Writers: Michael Lanahan and David Oas
From:
Cult Cinema
A ragtag college tennis team has to win the conference championships in Vegas or lose their scholarships. But will they be able to withstand the temptation of Sin City?
To switch things up, here’s what the plot should have been:
LA College hasn’t won a championship since Coach Bettlebom took over the athletic department nearly a decade ago. The college president, played by Christopher Lee, demands Bettlebom produce a trophy to keep the alumni donations coming in. The school’s best chance is the tennis team, but Bettlebom hates them: partly because he thinks tennis is a “pansy” sport, and partly because he thinks the team is a bunch of degenerates, none more degenerate than team star, the hotshot “Kid.”
The team is a rag-tag bunch of freaks who are serious about tennis, and nothing else. Their antics on and off the court give the tennis coach, Richard Roundtee, panic attacks since his job is on the line, but when the game is on the line, the Kid’s talent always gets them the win. Among the freaks is Jeff, a clean-cut milquetoast who could be great if he believed in himself, but is generally treated like a twerpy little brother by the Kid.
As the competition approaches, the Kid’s cavalier behavior puts the team’s success in jeopardy and particularly harms Jeff. Even though Jeff’s always working hard, he’s the perpetual loser. He’s engaged to the girl of his dreams, but she dumps him. He makes it into a frat, but it’s the one that doesn’t party. He’s got a 4.0, but he’s dependent upon this tennis scholarship. Just before the trip, he receives his scholarship check to pay for tuition and the Kid convinces Jeff to let Kid bet it on blackjack. It goes how you’d expect.
With everyone at their lowest—the coach’s job being threatened by Bettlebom, Jeff disconsolate about the Kid losing the money, the team facing defeat—the Kid is offered the chance to transfer to an elite school with a winning tennis team: full ride and brilliant future if he throws the match. He considers it because it’s the best option for him, but recognizes there are values higher than selfishness and supports his team. In the final doubles match, the Kid is doing great, but it’s Jeff who delivers the winning shot. And, because it’s the 80’s and some plot contrivance like this was set up earlier, someone gives Jeff a bunch of money that covers his losses. I don’t know, some sad sack to whom Jeff gave his last dollar after the Kid screwed him ended up turning that buck into ten grand on the slots and wants to repay his kindness.
The team is saved, the school gets their trophy, and the tennis coach is promoted to Bettlebom’s position. The girl who’d been wanting the Kid to live up to his moral potential shows up and the two leave together. THE END of a cut-and-paste 80’s teen sports movie, but entertaining enough for what it is. These formulas developed for a reason—they have a fundamental narrative satisfaction. All the parts kind of fit together.
Now, here’s what really happened:
The start with Lee and Bettlebom is largely the same, but Bettlebom never comes around or recognizes his fate is tied to the tennis team. He’s always looking for ways to undermine the team and get them out of the tournament. Roundtree, who’s given nothing to do in this movie, never gets that stressed over his players’ irresponsibility. They’re a rag-tag group of non-traditional players: the Kid, Jeff, Chito—a Hispanic player, Andy—an African-American player, Ripper—large and angry (and
familiar), and Tex—who isn’t distinct from the Kid.
When they play, they’re supposed to be great, but we don’t see that. The Kid doesn’t excel so much as trick his opponent into getting distracted by a girl in the stands. Andy, when he starts to lose, pretends to be gay to discomfit his opponent and flounces around the court. Tex suggests his opponent make the game “interesting” by putting an absurd amount of money on it, because he’s apparently rich or something, and that intimidates his opponent into losing. Finally Chito, prays theatrically in Spanish before the match and then wins in conjunction with that… somehow? Ripper just brutalizes his opponent and Jeff gets pushed around by his. Ultimately, nothing compelling happens on the tennis court.
They’re in Vegas, though, so surely things will happen there! Jeff did get his $3,000 tuition check at the beginning and the Kid says he can use it while playing Blackjack. Then Jeff gives him the money because, inexplicably, he’s feeling lucky and trusts the Kid. Then the Kid kills it at Blackjack, is solicited by a woman who, whoops!, turns out to be a man in drag because it’s 1986 and the transphobic trope of “the trap” is still funny. The movie must think it’s hilarious because the Kid isn’t fooled, Bettlebom is, and the final scene is the transvestite sitting down with Christopher Lee for drinks.
After much non-incident, they go to the final championship, lose the first round because all their tricks are matched by people doing the same thing (Andy is set against an actually gay person (?) leading him to use a homophobic slur, Chito faces off against a devout Jewish player and loses, Tex suggests a $100 wager and his opponent counters with $1,000 deflating Tex, and the Kid plays poorly, potentially throwing the match). As they go in to play doubles, the team finds out that the Kid has placed a bet against them (even though it was placed by the opposing team as a blackmail trick), and they have to win every set. They do, Bettlebom fires Richard Roundtree anyway, is approached by Christopher Lee to discuss something, and then the inevitable scene of Bettlebom getting chewed out and Roundtree being elevated is missing.
No, I literally think it’s missing. Lee says he wants to talk to Bettlebom, they go to Bettlebom’s hotel room, Bettlebom sees incriminating pictures of himself taped all over the walls, and suggests he and Lee have their conversation in the bar instead. Lee doesn’t see the pictures and we don’t see the conversation. All that happens is they sit at different tables, Lee is approached by the transvestite and Bettlebom spills his drink. THE END.
How do you fuck this up so badly? It’s a simple plot simply done: have goofy characters being goofy in Vegas and on the tennis court. Have the seeming villain of the piece, Bettlebom, initially bad-mouthing the team and then becoming sycophantic when he realizes his fate is tied to theirs. Have the team they’re facing be real dicks so there’s a slobs vs. snobs conflict. I mean, you’ve already got
Ogre from
Revenge of the Nerds so you have someone on your cast who can tell you how it’s done. Plus you’ve got Richard “Motherfucking Shaft” Roundtree, and all you can think to do with him is have him chuckle and shake his head in jovial disapproval?
This isn’t a movie that gets it so wrong that it’s a compelling train wreck, it’s a movie that fails to rise up to the low, low bar it sets for itself. The movie isn’t just incompetent, isn’t just lazy, it’s seemingly resentful of the expectation that it work up the energy to shuffle through the perfunctory scenes it needs to have to reach ninety minutes. They can’t even get the tennis shots right.
The co-writer, Michael Lanahan was one (of several!) tennis coordinators on the film and not only does all the tennis footage look like garbage (these actors can’t play), they never give out any of the scores. You don’t know when anybody’s winning or losing, you just see montages of serves, volleys, and misses. How’s the game going? Does this shot matter? Is this match point? If you can ever tell, you’ve a better eye than me.
Look how long this is and I haven’t even gotten to the casual racism, sexism, and homophobia although maybe that’s a given considering it’s a lazy, lazy 80’s comedy. It’s garbage. Avoid it.
