Saturday, November 18, 2017

224. Ninja Champion

224. Ninja Champion (1986)
Director: Godfrey Ho
Writer: Godfrey Ho
From: Cult Cinema

A woman infiltrates a diamond smuggling outfit to get revenge on the men who raped her.

Ah, you can always count on Godfrey Ho to save Ninja-vember. Ho, for those who aren’t familiar, imported a lot of martial arts movies to the US by extensively re-editing them and cutting in new footage of “ninjas” in garishly bright outfits facing off in a playground. Also, he shamelessly ripped off other larger movies for their music and aesthetics. This movie opens with a direct rip-off of the Columbia logo and features music from Pink Floyd during the climax.

God, I’m loving every minute of this.

So a couple in a tent is attacked by a gang in ICP make-up. The assault is intercut with the woman, Rose, in an operating room. She’s sexually assaulted and gives birth without anesthetic, then loses the baby.

Cut to Rose visiting a crime boss. She takes her top off which fogs the entire screen. She’s smuggling diamonds on her breasts and the light coming off them is blinding the camera! The boss invites her to a party celebrating his brother winning the Asian boxing title. She goes back to the brother’s hotel room and murders the brother by applying poison to her nipples that he licks off. She kills him because he was one of the rapists.

Before we get to the revenge killing, though, we cut to a couple of white guys talking about something. This happens periodically throughout the movie so I’ll just sum it all up here: the diamond smuggling operation is being overseen by some white crimelord who organized the sexual assault of Rose because he knew it’d lead her and her twin sister on a revenge rampage that would clean out the organization and leave no connections to him. The government agents that the other white guy works for took care of wiping out the big heavies. These two white guy ninjas then fight, villain dies, and this is not actually part of the movie. Seriously. Ho just cut this storyline in for his own reasons and cuts to it periodically throughout the movie. These scenes are not part of the movie about Rose.

Back to the real movie, which I’ll run through as quickly as I can because I don’t actually understand it at all.

George, Rose’s former fiancĂ©, meets up with her and asks to help kill the other rapists since he has a license to kill. She pledges to kill him once her revenge is finished because he abandoned her after the attack. She faces off against a few more toughs and rapists and George can no longer make love to his wife because he’s obsessed with Rose.

Rose gets captured by one of her targets and is seemingly killed, her body sealed in a wooden tube. Then the crime boss meets the key contact for the diamond smuggling and it’s Rose! But it’s not Rose, just someone who looks like her. They fight, boss is taken hostage, and his henchmen come back and murder him.

Meanwhile, George visits his father-in-law and accuses him of being part of the diamond smuggling. Father-in-law says he’ll kill George if he hurts his daughter. George says he’s getting a divorce anyway.

At the crime lair, the villain’s gang is captured by what turns out to be Rose’s twin sister Cherry. She learns that George’s father-in-law organized the rape to get George away from Rose and set him up with his daughter. Then the father-in-law pops up and grabs Cherry. Just as he’s about to kill her, George shows up and stops her murder. She turns around and kills the father-in-law. George, Cherry, and Cherry’s assistant all face off against the gang, kill them all, then flee from the cops. They go to Rose’s coffin where George pays his final respects and we cut back to the white ninjas I mentioned earlier. THE END

That folks, was me being brief. This movie is such a delicious clusterfuck. Bad editing, terrible dubbing, and a convoluted plot made even more confusing by the additional material that’s tacked on. I loved it. I was constantly cackling, “What’s going on?” while I was watching this and will certainly return to watch it again. Do what you can to find this movie because it is so much fun.

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