PD Project Part 11

Disc 11
• They Came From Beyond Space (1967)

  Meteorites carrying a malevolent alien intelligence crash in rural England and begin taking over the minds of the nation's leading scientists.
  I saw this movie as part of an Elvira Movie Macabre double feature (Gamera, Super Monser was the other feature) and she says just about everything that needs to be said about this movie. What is "beyond" space? And since the aliens actually come from the moon, is that really space at all? In many ways standard sci-fi fare: dumb white-guy hero who doesn't actually figure anything out, aliens of profound intelligence thwarted by dumb luck and a warm, almost fuzzy-wuzzy conclusion that's basically, "Well why didn't you just ask? We'd be happy to help you. A-hyuck." Nice and brutally stupid. So much so that there isn't even a Wiki page for this flick. The movie was made and set in Britain but is based on a novel entitled The Gods Hate Kansas. I would guess because the Gods have been there.
  I'm in the process of uploading this film to the Internet Archive.
  

• Warning From Space (1956) runtime: 1:27:48

  Aliens arrive on Earth causing a panic. However, when people figure out what the aliens really are, they find themselves facing a wholly different threat.
  Star men with one eye who must destroy humanity because of our "blood rage." "Blood rage" sounds like a metal band whose unbounded power to rock threatens the very walls of reality. I'd see that act.
  But this movie is so slow. It takes a good fifty of the ninety minutes to arrive at the eponymous "Warning." There's a battle over a formula for an explosive more powerful than an A or H bomb which seems really unnecessary but it's just one of many plot holes and inconsistencies. For instance, the aliens already developed the formula for the super-bomb but abandoned it because they recognized that it was too dangerous. Then they develop the bomb anyway to destroy the incoming planet that threatens Earth, but they need the formula--which they had already figured out an discarded a generation ago--from the professor. And what of the men who kidnap and then abandon the professor? The whole thing just doesn't add up. And none of this addresses the issue of our "blood rage," the issue the aliens were going to confront us over in the beginning of the film. What a gyp. I was promised blood rage and, being denied it, feel as though I'm about to enter one.
  I'm in the process of uploading an MPEG of this film to the Internet Archive.
  AVI Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  

• The Phantom Planet (1961) runtime: 1:22:00

  A spaceship crashes on an invisible asteroid whose tiny inhabitants enlist the astronaut's aid in defeating their enemy.
  Honestly, I didn't watch this movie. I remember seeing the MST3K version and that's really enough. Very few of these movies warrant repeat viewing.
  I'm in the process of uploading an MPEG of this film to the Internet Archive.
  iPod Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  This was episode 0902 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and can be purchased as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Vol. 8.

• Planet Outlaws (1953) runtime: 1:08:33

  Buck Rogers, frozen for 500 years, is awakened and joins the forces of the Hidden City against the despot Killer Kane.
  A compiled Buck Rogers serial. A least they're up front about it. Brutally cut though. It's just each episode's plot point and cliffhanger. Very little breathing room. Just plot point, plot point, plot point. To describe it as "manic" would give the impression that it's much more sedate than it is.
  Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  

I'll be back next time with the final disc, Disc 12: Colossus, Arch Hall Jr., dubbing and, of course, the king of pain, the master of cinematic disaster, Gamera!

PD Project Part 10

Disc 10
• Blood Tide (1982) runtime: 1:23:11

  A newlywed couple is searching for the man's lost sister only to find her on an island that used to be home to a sacrificial cult. Strange things start to happen after an archaeologist unseals the chamber the cult used for their sacrifices.
  I'll admit that I'm a sucker for anything remotely Lovecraftian. This has forbidden cults, suspicious natives and an eldritch horror. Hell yes! Plus it has James Earl Jones saying words. He's one of those phone book guys--he could read a phone book and it'd be awesome.
  The movie loses some points for being a little slow and not really having any cults. There used to be a cult on the island, but now nobody talks about the old ways. C'mon! More secret sacrifice cult! Even Casablanca could have used that.
  There is an AVI of this film on the Internet Archive, but as I said earlier, I can't imagine a film from 1982 being in the Public Domain so I won't be adding an MPEG to the Internet Archive.
  

• The Brain Machine (1977) runtime: 1:20:56

  The government co-ops an experiment on over-population to test out a machine that reads minds.
  I don't even know what this movie is about. Eighty minutes of never knowing what the hell was going on and it wasn't like there was a whole lot of action to confuse me either. It was just eighty minutes of "Huh?"
  This may be PD. I couldn't find any copyright information on it under any of its sundry titles. It seems this film literally passed like a fart in a wind tunnel--the people involved knew it happened and they were the only ones who ever will.
  

• The Wild Women of Wongo (1958) runtime: 1:11:58

  After offending the Dragon God, the women of Wongo must offer themselves for sacrifice.
  After watching this movie, I had to ask if I'd offended the Dragon God and if this was my punishment. How seriously can you take a movie titled The Wild Women of Wongo? Awful acting and stupid lines, it's never clear if the movie's trying to be cute... there's no "or." This is an aggressively stupid movie that feels like it's a parody of some genre, only there's nothing quite like this film. Makes me want to weep.
  All that, though, takes the movie seriously. And after watching Prehistoric Women it's clear that there actually was some weird prehistoric people finding love genre. That doesn't mean this movie's not stupid or poorly done (long stretches of nothing happening throughout the piece), but it does have a kindergarten-level charm. You get the impression watching the film that the people involved had no idea what they were doing and thus it carries the tone of an old VHS tape of a kid embarrassing himself at a family gathering, but being too un-self-aware to realize he's embarrassing himself. I could see this film being broken out at one of the actor's 50th wedding anniversary. "What was life like back when mom and dad met? Well we have a little footage here..."
  I'm pretty sure this is PD and I'm working on an upload.
  Wikipedia article
  

• Prehistoric Women (1950) runtime: 1:12:50

  A prehistoric tribe of women sets out to capture some men to make their husbands.
  This doesn't have the cheeky charm of Wongo, and I didn't like Wongo. The movie's done in the style of an anthropological documentary--footage and narration. Only the narration is largely over wrought and unnecessary. It's literally telling you what's happening on-screen. So bad. Night shots aren't even day-for-night, they're just unlit night shots. Screen's nearly black for minutes at a time. It's hard to think of anything funny to say. Wongo was at least ridiculous (and called Wongo). This doesn't even have that. It's just nothing.
  Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  

I'll be back next time with Disc 11, the penultimate disc: pain, pain with Buck Rogers, pain with the Japanese and pain with the British. And this is not the worst disc in the batch.

PD Project Part 9

Disc 9
• The Astral Factor (1976) runtime: 1:35:23

  A serial killer learns to turn himself invisible and it's up to a police lieutenant to stop him.
  There's a half-assedness here that you normally don't see outside of a third or fourth sequel. The film is not bad, it's just not much of anything. There are ham-fisted attempts at drama and character development, but it's pretty clear those moments are there to fill time rather than advance the plot. And it's a simple plot--psychic serial killer. He strangles people wile invisible. Okay, but if the cops are looking for an invisible stalker and they're staking out his next victim, why not lay some flour down and wait for foot prints? That seems like a workable early-warning system.
  Under copyright somewhere, somehow even though I couldn't find any concrete information about it on copyright.gov. There isn't any visible copyright notice on my print, but there is about a minute of black screen at the end as the closing theme plays. Since there's evidence throughout that this is a work print (I hope it's a work print. I hope they didn't intentionally release this with the A/B roll and edit-sync marks carved into the film), this might be an honest-to-god bootleg. Which is kind of neat. This film didn't see a US release until 1984 and, although it might be presumptuous of me, there's nothing from 1984 that's PD.

• The Galaxy Invader (1985) runtime: 1:19:59

  An alien crashes and is hunted by the area's rural inhabitants. Only the inhabitants pose a greater threat to each other than the alien ever could.
  Everyone in this film is an idiot. From the townspeople to the college professor to the alien itself. It seems to be written from the point of view that "everybody's an idiot except me." I'd have to disagree with the director on that point and cite the film itself as evidence. Not one likable character. Not one. Fortunately most of them die.
  I know this says very little about the film, but there's very little to say about the film. The best scene is where the college professor and his former student who saw the alien ship crash are in a bar. They overhear one of the patrons talk about seeing the alien. So the professor tells the kid to get her to come over. What's the kid do? Shouts over to her, "Hey, c'mere a minute." The film is such that you can't tell if that's meant to be a joke or not. The entire movie's that way--is this a parody or is this done in earnest? Added bonus, the opening credits list Don Dohler for just about everything and then just about every member of the Dohler clan for the other roles and jobs. Literally like a City Council member from a backwoods town in Maine said, "I know what'll make the town lots of money: Let's make a movie! I'll even write it!" This movie is proof that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, only sometimes you just shouldn't.
  copyright: V3541D110/2006-08-16
  Wikipedia article
  

• Battle of the Worlds (1961) runtime: 1:23:51

  A planetoid on a collision course with Earth suddenly stops in orbit and begins attacking our planet.
  Thrill as a planet threatens Earth even though a scientist says it's not! Amaze at the same scientist being grumpy and unapproachable! Stand in awe as he's short and brusque with people who are asking him to stop the planet from dying!
  This film could be called "Claude Raines Missed a Social Security Check." The esteemed actor is spliced into this dull sci-fi pic that's been dubbed from the Italian and he doesn't seem to be happy to be there. Makes for a bit of absurdist fun, but ultimately isn't worth much.
  This film is available on Google Video from Public Domain Torrents, but I found a copyright.gov entry for the film for "new narration, editing, and some new cinematography" which describes the Claude Raines portions and I can't find a distinct version by the claimant U P A Productions of America. So I think this film is still under copyright. PAu001073719/1987-11-25 Wikipedia article
  

• Unknown World (1951) runtime: 1:13:51

  Fearing extinction due to nuclear holocaust, an expedition descends into teh Earth's crust seeking a refuge for humanity.
  An exploration picture that's a little better than the others, though there's still no real characters. Challenges are met in the course of finding an ideal cavern for... something. I was a little unclear of the mission's goals. I got the impression they were searching for a refuge because they didn't expect humanity to survive the duration of their trip. Several times they debate turning back only to press forward "because we must!" But they don't have the supplies to restart life. So why not turn back and, for example, stock up on water? Nothing happens to make it a one-way trip. Then there's the ending where the surviving characters awaken a new hope within themselves, only they didn't seem that despairing to begin with. In fact none of them seemed very anything to begin with. Which makes moments of character-based conflict more than a little odd.
  copyright: PA000D807720/1984-02-02
  Wikipedia article
  

I'll be back next time with Disc 10: James Earl Jones quotes Othello because he can, a film from the late 70's getting all 70's on us and two films about prehistoric women finding husbands. And all of them are much, much more painful than you can even begin to imagine. Start studying braille because you'll be cutting out your eyes real soon.

PD Project Update

First Spaceship on Venus
The Lost Jungle and
Zontar the Thing From Venus
are now all available in MPEG2 format from the Internet Archive.

Also, Part 7, for reasons unknown, didn't get posted last week. It is available now.

PD Project Part 8

Disc 8
• The Sons of Hercules: the Land of Darkness (1963) runtime: 1:20:17

  Argolese, son of Hercules, must save his betrothed and her townspeople from the evil cannibalistic Demulus.
  This is pretty chaotic. Argolese saves a maiden from a lion, then her town from a dragon, then the town's sole survivor from a bear and on and on. It's a stunningly bad film, and fun for being so bad--bad editing, bad dubbing and just bad ideas. There's even a trailer for the last part of the movie in the middle of the movie. Seriously, the movie just cuts to an ad for the rest of the film. Not just bad, inventively bad. Has to be seen to be believed.
  Archive.org page
  

• The Devil of the Desert Against the Son of Hercules (1964) runtime: 1:32:06

  The evil Gainor murders his king and tries to seize the thrown, but the princess escapes and finds Antar who helps her in her quest to rescue her people.
  Not bad. Again, these Hercules movies are better the less Hercules is in them, or at least the less central he is to the plot. If Herc has to be the hero, it's good. If Herc is what people are fighting over and trying to manipulate, it's bad.
  This is still a Herc movie though so it has its own non-sequiturs. There are a few instances where tumbling worked in. It looks nice, but why is it there? Plus there's this mute kid. Called "Mute." Who hangs around Antar. While both are wearing just diapers. Okay. There's a fight with a rhino which is much less dramatic than it sounds and a chamber of mirrors. While it's hard to think the mirrored room could be as perilous as it's portrayed, they are nice shots.
  Archive.org page
  

• First Spaceship on Venus (1960) runtime: 1:18:26

  A spaceship is dispatched to Venus after a meteorite is found to be a relic from a crashed ship. However, the more the crew learn about the Venusians, the more they uncover a sinister and catastrophic secret.
  I'm struggling to find more ways to say "slow and boring." Nothing happens, no tension. This is sci-fi in the vein of imagining what might be encountered in space rather than any conflict based around what might be encountered. Essentially there's no story here--no characters, no plot, nothing. Then at the very end, everything goes haywire and several crew members are lost, but so what?
  I'm in the process of adding an MPEG of this to the Internet Archive.
  iPod Archive.org page
  trailer on Archive.org
  This was episode 0211 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and can be viewed on YouTube (in 10 parts) or downloaded from the Digital Archive Project.

• Zontar, the Thing From Venus (1966) runtime: 1:20:13

  An alien from Venus arrives on Earth and starts trying to take over the planet, one person at a time.
  I have seen this film more times than it warrants. A stunningly crappy flick. You want a hero who's spared because he's brilliant but can't figure you what's going on? You got it! You want a dick who's blind to the monster's machinations but has a last-minute change-of-heart? You got it! You want an entertaining 80 minutes of film? Oh, gee, sorry, fresh out.
  I'm in the process of adding an MPEG of this to the Internet Archive.
  Wikipedia article
  

I'll be back next time with Disc 9: low-budget reaches a new low as we face an invisible strangler, rednecks hunting an alien and two films with cranky scientists descending into caves.

PD Project Part 7

Disc 7
• Killers From Space (1954) runtime: 1:10:50

  Dr. Martin, the only survivor from a plane that was studying an atomic explosion, returns with no memories of the crash but with horrible visions of evil eyes.
  I take glee from the most random things in this movie: the plane is the Tarbaby 2, the main character's colleague is Dr. Kruger and the main character's name is "Doctor Martin." Hooray! He's also taller than everybody else in the movie so that's an added joy.
  Yes, the bug-eyed aliens are silly-looking and the cave sequence with ultra-close-ups of animals is painfully long, but otherwise it's an okay alien-invasion film. It's not clear why the aliens must conquer the Earth. It seems there'd be room enough for the new race, especially since they apparently live underground and have access to such advanced technology. It doesn't seem like there'd be much need for coercion. Pacing is a little off and the "revealed all at once" move is weak, but it's ultimately an okay old film. Ending takes forever though.
  Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  

• Phantom From Space (1953) runtime: 1:12:14

  An invisible monster descends from space and starts killing people.
  Painfully slow, lots of narration to--at best--negligible effect, and moments where the film will recap what just happened. When the invisible monster removes its outfit, there are multiple cutaways to the monster. The invisible monster. We're treated to cutaways to nothing.
  Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  

• White Pongo (1945) runtime: 1:11:49

  A safari sets out to find the missing link, a white gorilla, though tensions within the expedition may prove a bigger threat than any gorilla ever could.
  I apologize to any film I may be slandered by accusing it of having nothing happen. This movie's about a monstrous monkey but is more concerned with the trip's sole woman trying to seduce her guard. Then, fifty minutes in, the plot shifts and becomes about a mutiny, a lost field of gold and a secret agent--and it's still boring! The gorilla, which is of course in love with the woman, saves the day only to be captured and shipped back to the states for testing. Nice going monkey.
  Archive.org page
  

• The Snow Creature (1954) runtime: 1:10:46

  An expedition into the Himalayas to find new plant life goes off the rails when the wife of one of the Sherpas is kidnapped by a yeti and the crew sets out to rescue her.
  There's this weird conceit in the movie--the white guys leading the expedition are so pissed about having to save the Sherpa's wife, so angry that it could possibly take precedence over their search for plants. And the movie's conceit is that they're right. The "villain" of the piece is the Sherpa searching for his wife. Imperialism in a nutshell: screw your wife and town, a white man wants something.
  This film broke ground in finding new ways to be bad. The yeti's costume looks like a bunch of skinned teddy bears sewn together, there's basically one shot of the yeti walking out of the shadows which is repeated, paused and run backwards throughout the movie, and when the yeti does manage to attack someone, it looks like Fozzie Bear on a bender. That last part's fun, but otherwise the picture's drawing blood. Not only does it have the weird thing going on with the Sherpa, that's only the first part of the movie. The second part is about the head scientist bringing the yeti back to America where it's held up in Immigration (I'm not kidding), escapes and has to be chased through the sewer. You know what that means: more shots of the yeti emerging from a shadow along with repeated shots of cops running around a sewer set. They're not running over the same piece of set, they just repeat the shots of them running through the set. Oh God, there's an avalanche scene in the first part where one of the actors gets hit on the head with a giant prop rock, but no harm done.
  This film violates the Geneva Convention. It is a crime against humanity. Obviously I highly recommend it with a big bowl of popcorn and a pitcher of Margaritas.
  Archive.org page
  Wikipedia article
  

I'll be back next time with Disc 8: Half spawn of Hercules, half things from Venus, all PD!

PD Project Update

Now available from the Internet Archive:
Hercules Unchained
Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon