My Jandek Plague Journal: 3/30/20 "First You Think Your Fortune's Lovely"

"I curse the day I found my freedom." Long day of writing, of trying to work out my coronavirus story. I want to avoid talking about fascism, about what I see and is obvious, but to do so means not talking about America at all. 200,000 deaths is now being floated as a victory. Meanwhile, I find that my own story is about following paths and reading the maps. The work is easier when the destination is clear. But I can still be led astray. I tell my own story and find I'm the monster. I plan to listen to a different album, my first album, my summer Jandek, but I no longer recognize which one it is. All my guesses are dour and alienating. I return to the start, the first LP that no longer sounds strange and uncanny, just not yet fully formed. The Representative hasn't learned to be himself yet. And so the curséd freedom of self-knowledge: you may shape yourself, but at the cost of knowing yourself and the path you followed to become what you are. -3/30/20. "First You Think Your Fortune's Lovely" from Ready For the House (lyrics) (one week earlier) (one week later)